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So I’m feeling a bit down today. The love of my life is still in the gray place. Not in the dark place which is good, but not in the white place either. And I know it's just a symptom of my BPD and I have to keep asking myself if this is real, but I feel as if he doesn't love me.And he's never not told me that he doesn't love me. He says it all the time. But I want him to be happy and I feel like I should make him happy if he loves me. And that's a selfish feeling that I hate. I also hate the thoughts that run through my head like he doesn't really love me, he just knows all the right things to say and do. And he definitely does know all the right things to do. Another thought is that this just won't work. I will wind up being alone like I always thought I would be. No one could ever love me because I’m broken. And once you are broken, you can't be fixed. And then I linger along the lines of the dark place, the dark hole in other words.
But then I have to remember that my love has his own depression that he deals with from his troubled life. And I have to remember that maybe just maybe he actually DOES love me. He just can't get over his own sadness. So I should be there for him, give him some grace and some time. I know that is the right answer, but I can't turn off the voices in my head. The voices are the worst for people who have mental illness. They tell you horrible things and they don't shut up.
My love is a wonderful, kind and caring man. He is a GOOD man and I’ve searched for him for a very long time. But after repeated failed relationships and a troublesome failed marriage, I am broken in this way. I'm always going to have doubts. I’m always going to jump when he touches me. And I will probably always ask him from time to time if we are okay. And that's okay. It is who I am. And i have to love myself as I am in order to heal those broken pieces of myself, and to make those voices go away and just not pay attention to them.
There is a song my best friend introduced me to by The Ballroom Thieves called “Borderline”. It hits close to home and how I perceive things. I invite you to listen. I've enclosed it below. It's a beautiful song about how anxiety affects your life and how you think you can't live without it, because it makes you who you are. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope. You are who you are, but you can be a better version of yourself. You can heal and be whole again. You just have to let go of the anxiety, be brave and just try.
