Here's who I am

I feel pretty today. That's not something I feel on a regular basis, but today I feel pretty. I am down 2 more pounds which has allowed me to fit into my favorite pair of bell-buttomish jeans.They are a light blue in color and make me feel like me. The Stevie Nicks is my spirit animal me. I've always said that if I was born sooner and was a teenager in the 70's, I would have been a hippie. Well...probably more like a gypsy since I have a love for travel. Ever since I was a baby I loved to travel. My mom said that when I was a baby they did a lot of traveling in that old hippy van and they put my crib right behind the seats so that I could look out on the road. I may have written about that before. Anyway, that is who I am, a Stevie Nicks kind of woman with a mixture of Laura Ingalls Wilder and my beloved Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables.

Once I slid those jeans on with my tie-dyed shirt and my yellow converse sneakers I felt pretty like I said above. I got into my car that was once my mothers and drove to pick up my monthly high-blood pressure medication. Yet another reason to get the weight off. I plugged my phone into the car stereo and blasted my BPD playlist that I made. I love to drive with my favorite tunes blaring through my car speakers. It makes me feel alive. As I drove I looked back onto my life like I do on occasion. I thought about all the things I went through and who I am as a result of it. I thought about how I sometimes can drive people crazy with my facebook posts and with my opinions on various subjects. I thought about the mistakes that I've made and of good memories that I have as well throughout the years. I thought about every little thing and every big thing that makes me who I am. And sometimes those things aren't very pretty, but they are a part of me. I have developed a sense of acceptance and clarity and a strength that I always knew was there but didn't fully embrace. There is no going backwards from that. I always say that you just have to keep pushing forward. No matter how hard it is or how much has happened, you just have to keep pushing forward. Sort of like "The Little Engine that Could" that you may have read as a child. One of my favorite quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt is this - "A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water." Eleanor Roosevelt had a lot more great quotes that I have put in my quote book. I sometimes will get it out and read them over and over again. I even put that book into my BPD coping box to help me when I get in those moments where I can't breathe. I am a strong woman. And I won't let anyone tell me ever again that I'm not. I won't let anyone ever again tell me that I'm not worth it, or that I'm never going to accomplish anything in life. Because for once I feel pretty. On the inside and out. I am me and I am loved. I am strong and fiercely opinionated. I have a heart that truly loves people and just wants to help everyone. I am crazy and silly and I love with everything that I have, fiercely and forever. I am who I am. My best friend gave me this song below a few years ago and said it was my theme song. I believe that and I share it with you. Maybe it can be your theme song as well. Music has always been a soundtrack or backdrop in my life. I can't imagine life without it and I like to share it as much as possible. I believe that it has healing powers like nothing else.

Find your prettiness inside you and outside of you. Find what makes you-you. Embrace it and love that person. Never look back and keep pushing forward. Life is hard and ugly sometimes but it's still worth it. Find what makes your soul sing and play it over and over again until you believe it. Love fiercely and forever. And remember that -as Eleanor also said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Hang onto that and just be you.

I'm feeling good today. I won't say that is rare for me, because most days I am pretty happy. I know my last few posts have not been happy, but today I am feeling good. Friday I got to go to North Carolina to see one of my favorite writers (James Patterson) speak and get an autographed copy of his latest book. I took my love with me and we had a pretty great day. We hit up a couple of thrift stores and had lunch before making the two hour drive back home. I enjoy days like this with him. I know he is pretty much a home body but it's nice to get him out and drive around just listening to music and laughing of course. Laughter is a daily thing with him. And on the rare occasions I can get him to laugh is one of the most beautiful things. His whole face lights up and I love to see it. It always makes my day. The whole weekend turned out pretty nice as a matter of fact and now its doing a little light raining ,which is always my favorite type of day.

I'm also pretty happy about being able to finally lose some weight. Its been a month and one week since my doctor started me on a diet somewhat like the Atkins diet. I basically just eat protein and veggies and fruit. No carbs of any kind which means no bread, no pasta, no potatoes except the occasional sweet potato. And of course no sugar or soft drinks, not that I was that big of a soft drink drinker anyway. He also prescribed me some medication that gives me energy and helps curve the appetite. And a weekly injection that is primary used for diabetes but has been found to have great results in helping people lose weight. It all has paid off quite well since i've already lost 21 pounds. And that's a great thing because that's one step closer into getting my knees fixed. I have been unable to stand for more than an hour or so tops at one time due to my knees being just about out of cartilage. So basically that means the bones in that joint are rubbing together which causes a good bit of pain. I was able to find a job working from home doing customer service type of calls since I can't be on my feet. Once I hit my goal weight my Ortho doctor gave me, he has agreed to do surgery to fix my knees and then I can get my life back. I'm pretty excited about that because I can start checking off some things on my bucket list. And also just being able to walk across the grocery store pain free would be so completely nice. You never realize the little things that you take advantage of until you can't do them anymore.

I encourage everyone to make a bucket list or just make goals for themselves. It gives you something to strive for. And it can be for anything, like going somewhere you've always wanted to go to or taking dance lessons, getting a tattoo, going back to school or riding a rollercoaster. Just write them all down and check them off one at a time.I have been lucky enough to check off a few of my own things to do before I die and you wouldn't believe how wonderful that feels. Take a lesson from the song below, it's alright ,have a good time because it's alright. No matter what is going on in your life, find those happy moments in it. Get up and dance, make a playlist with your favorite happy songs. Take one minute at a time, one smile at a time, one laugh at a time because it's going to be alright. Give yourself a chance, give yourself some love and tell yourself that it's alright.