Fear

I'm depressed. And that's not a thing that is new to me, but it feels different this time. I'm lonely, and I'm scared. I'm scared of losing myself and who I am. I'm scared of being abandoned again. I'm scared that I will never be able to have a normal relationship. I miss my mother, which is also not a new thing. Anyone who knows me , knows that I miss her on a constant basis. My mothers facebook page will also tell you how much I miss her. Her birthday was yesterday. She would have been 65. My best friend knows that I'm depressed and is calling me everyday to try and help me figure out how to improve my thoughts and get out of this rut I'm in, but all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep. I need to find a therapist where I am now, but I'm overwhelmed with everything that I have to do and with what I'm feeling. Occasionally, the thought of death floats through my mind, but I have no desire to kill myself. It would require too much work and planning. And I'm already overwhelmed with everything as it is like I just said above.

I could read or paint or watch a movie. Something to just restart my brain. Instead I write this. Someone reading this would say that I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe they would be right. But I don't fear what people may think. I fear the dark place engulfing me once again. It's a place I know well and wish to not visit again. I'm afraid of losing my freedom but of also being alone. I want to be loved by someone. I crave it. I don't know how to be in love without losing myself. It's terrifying and paralyzing at the same time. I wish I could just feel normal like everyone else. This shouldn't be a hard thing to do, just living life. Everyday is a challenge for me. I have to think about everything. I have to weigh it out, and figure out what's the right way to respond to it. Being what is considered normal would be like a breath of fresh air. I can't even imagine what that would feel like.

I started this blog to help people like myself and to give people an idea on what a person who struggles with borderline personality disorder deals with on an everyday basis. But I don't know how to help myself most of the time. There are so many things you can do from writing a journal to making yourself do something that you enjoy to keep the thoughts at bay. Trying something new sometimes helps as well. I used to love to read. I would constantly have a book in my face. I can't tell you how long it's been since I read anything. I go to thrift stores and buy books that I will never read. I just can't make myself do it. I've recently started gardening. But that probably wont last long for me. I tend to get bored easily. Which I why I don't paint or write books anymore. I'm just bored with it. I have all these wonderful ideas that I start and never finish writing. And there will probably come a day when I get bored with this blog, but for now I write. I write to maybe one day read back, to help understand my thoughts better. I write because its all I know how to do at the moment. I just wish it could keep the fear away.