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I feel pretty today. That's not something I feel on a regular basis, but today I feel pretty. I am down 2 more pounds which has allowed me to fit into my favorite pair of bell-buttomish jeans.They are a light blue in color and make me feel like me. The Stevie Nicks is my spirit animal me. I've always said that if I was born sooner and was a teenager in the 70's, I would have been a hippie. Well...probably more like a gypsy since I have a love for travel. Ever since I was a baby I loved to travel. My mom said that when I was a baby they did a lot of traveling in that old hippy van and they put my crib right behind the seats so that I could look out on the road. I may have written about that before. Anyway, that is who I am, a Stevie Nicks kind of woman with a mixture of Laura Ingalls Wilder and my beloved Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables.
Once I slid those jeans on with my tie-dyed shirt and my yellow converse sneakers I felt pretty like I said above. I got into my car that was once my mothers and drove to pick up my monthly high-blood pressure medication. Yet another reason to get the weight off. I plugged my phone into the car stereo and blasted my BPD playlist that I made. I love to drive with my favorite tunes blaring through my car speakers. It makes me feel alive. As I drove I looked back onto my life like I do on occasion. I thought about all the things I went through and who I am as a result of it. I thought about how I sometimes can drive people crazy with my facebook posts and with my opinions on various subjects. I thought about the mistakes that I've made and of good memories that I have as well throughout the years. I thought about every little thing and every big thing that makes me who I am. And sometimes those things aren't very pretty, but they are a part of me. I have developed a sense of acceptance and clarity and a strength that I always knew was there but didn't fully embrace. There is no going backwards from that. I always say that you just have to keep pushing forward. No matter how hard it is or how much has happened, you just have to keep pushing forward. Sort of like "The Little Engine that Could" that you may have read as a child. One of my favorite quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt is this - "A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water." Eleanor Roosevelt had a lot more great quotes that I have put in my quote book. I sometimes will get it out and read them over and over again. I even put that book into my BPD coping box to help me when I get in those moments where I can't breathe. I am a strong woman. And I won't let anyone tell me ever again that I'm not. I won't let anyone ever again tell me that I'm not worth it, or that I'm never going to accomplish anything in life. Because for once I feel pretty. On the inside and out. I am me and I am loved. I am strong and fiercely opinionated. I have a heart that truly loves people and just wants to help everyone. I am crazy and silly and I love with everything that I have, fiercely and forever. I am who I am. My best friend gave me this song below a few years ago and said it was my theme song. I believe that and I share it with you. Maybe it can be your theme song as well. Music has always been a soundtrack or backdrop in my life. I can't imagine life without it and I like to share it as much as possible. I believe that it has healing powers like nothing else.
Find your prettiness inside you and outside of you. Find what makes you-you. Embrace it and love that person. Never look back and keep pushing forward. Life is hard and ugly sometimes but it's still worth it. Find what makes your soul sing and play it over and over again until you believe it. Love fiercely and forever. And remember that -as Eleanor also said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Hang onto that and just be you.
