To Become

I've been procrastinating writing this blog. I've had a good bit going on. I have changed jobs since my last post. I took a major risk and quit the at home job to try and see if I could get back into manufacturing that I love. I found one job right away and loved it, but of course my knees were a huge problem and wouldn't let me finish out the day. So, I had to give that one up and set out putting out tons of resumes and job applications. And I would let them know I was looking for something where I could sit down occasionally for my knee situation. After about two weeks of no income, an offer came through for a smallish electroplating company about 45 minutes away. I went for an interview, did a tour of the place, told them about my knee situation, and they told me no worries. So here I am, very happy doing something that I love. I'm working in the quality department where I'm sitting for about 90 percent of my shift checking parts for defects. And I'm making more money than I ever had before. Four dollars more an hour than my at home job. So I'm pretty pleased that I took the risk and jumped. Plus, I am able to get out driving everyday and talking to people. Which is a huge thing for me. I felt the dark place creeping in on me sitting at home everyday staring out the window. And its a lovely view of my flowers, but I needed to get out. So I am very thankful for that.

To my next topic of discussion, I'm thinking about ending this blog. I feel like nobody is even reading it for me to try and help people understand how BPD works. And I think some people just don't care. And of course there are people out there who say to stay away from people who have BPD because we are crazy, and manipulating, and will just hurt you. Now mind you, they could be right about some people. But the ones of us who are truly trying to be better, to become somewhat normal, this is not true. We are what you would call highly functioning. We work very hard everyday to keep the thoughts from taking over. We work hard at controlling our responses to certain triggers. We are not bad people. We were just handed a tough blow in our life. And it caused damage to our mental state. And that is not an excuse for our behavior, but a reason. We strive to be what is considered to be normal. We strive to find love just like anyone else does. We strive to have some sort of guidance that our parents failed to give us. We are not bad. We just have to try harder to become "normal". I don't know if we can get better, to be cured in other words. Some people would say no. Maybe they are right. But maybe we can get to a place where the BPD doesn't take control of our lives. That is what I'm striving for. I am worthy of having people in my life who love me. I am worthy to have a man in my life who helps me grow and who doesn't get upset when I struggle but walks me through it. I AM WORTHY. And so are the others out there who are like me trying to survive.

Back to the blog. I haven't made up my mind fully about it. I do have another project of sorts that I need to delve more fully into and that is my next book. I have also been procrastinating on it. But I think I need to finish it. I think it's important that I do so because it touches on women. It touches on why we do the things we do and the freedom that we crave and are willing to give up for certain things. Its going to be hard to write because my biggest problem is that I have too many interests and not enough motivation. But if I make a promise to someone to at least try, then maybe I can not only finish it, but be proud of it and write something powerful that will make people think. At least that is my hope. So the best thing I can say is, if you are reading this; stay tuned. Who knows what I will do. And for those who are struggling with BPD everyday, I applaud your efforts. I believe in you. You can become whatever you wish to be, but it will require heart and dedication and really hard work. But YOU are worthy. Carry on and fly bird, fly.