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I've been thinking about this post for awhile. I know I said in my last post that it would probably be my last but the writer in me says otherwise. I struggle with my writing. There is a huge part of me that wants to write all the time but I'm so depressed much of the time that I can't bring myself in doing it. And there is my brain telling me that I'm not a good writer and that nothing will come from it. However, here I am still writing whenever I just can't get that part of me to stay silent any longer.
I got fired this week. The first time in my life ever getting fired. Of course I didn't take it well. My human resource manager called me Monday and told me that I had a couple of incidents that led to a bad part going out to a customer. Then he proceeded to tell me that he thought the job was getting to me too much to continue in working there. And then he told me what a wonderful person I was and that this wasn't due to my work ethic or my personality. And all I heard was blah blah blah because he was firing me due to my supervisor trying to get rid of me. I had become increasingly paranoid of her and what she was saying about me behind my back. I wasn't wrong with that, she was saying things behind my back about what I did all the time. She talked to everyone except me. I was even blamed for things I hadn't done. So with that, my anxiety grew and grew till I was writing down everything I did because I was just sure I was going to get fired. And then it happened, I got wrote up for missing something on a part. Mind you, a couple others got wrote up as well for the same thing. They didn't flip out though. I started crying uncontrollably, blood pressure going up, telling my other supervisor what my immediate supervisor was doing, showing him my notebook of everything I was writing down and just having a complete meltdown. The whole time my brain telling me that this was going to lead me in getting fired and I'm telling him this and also telling him that I had excellent job references and that I didn't want to sign that paper. Eventually I did with him promising me that this wouldn't get me fired. And then just a few days later, I get fired. I had become so focused in trying to get everything perfect that it was causing me to miss things. And when you are in quality control that is not something you can do. So, they did what they needed to do. It came at a bad time though. I had just bought a new car because my car broke down and was going to cost me more money than the car was worth in fixing it. And because of my bad knee situation, I had no other jobs lined up yet. And now I'm struggling to find one because of my knees. I have lost my insurance which causes problems with me getting my medication. And I need my meds.
I write this because this is what happens when people who have BPD have a breakdown. Our heart races, our mind races, it tells us things that may or may not be true, and its very loud in our head. We become crazy with emotion. And people who see that think we are legit crazy. And I guess we are. I probably should have used my coping mechanisms but in that moment all I could see or feel was panic. All I could see was red. And now all I see is that my supervisor who was talking about me was bad. And she will be bad from here on out. That's just how we work. You're either bad or good. There is no middle ground there. I know that eventually I'll be okay as far as the job situation goes. I have the uncanny ability to persevere through everything thrown my way. The tenacity in other words to continue pushing forward. I have to though. What choice do I have? Just keep going and going.
I'm closing this with this video below. You can say what you want about this lady, but one thing she has is tenacity herself. She makes me feel better in this shitty world. She is not perfect, she is overweight, she has her own issues that she deals with too. She is made fun of all the time but she still pushes through. She gives me hope. She makes me feel that no matter how crazy the world labels me that I'm still special in someone's eyes. That I still matter. And that is a beautiful thing. So in case no one has told you today...you're special. Keep pushing forward. Take one day at a time, one moment and just persevere. I love you all.
