Rain

   It's raining and it's my usual favorite type of day. The rain relaxes me and keeps me calm, even if it's a thunderstorm. I also do some of my best sleeping during a thunderstorm. I'm thinking about my children today and my grandbabies. I miss them. I have moved two hours away from one and about three and a half from the other. Why don't I call them you may ask.  I could, but I never know what to say to them. I love them immensely. But life has been rough for them and for our relationship. Mental illness wrecks havoc on personal relationships. No matter who it is, we just dont function normally or how the world views what is normal. I didn't hug my girls enough. It felt awkward to me. My mom didn't really hug us as children. I'm guessing because maybe it felt awkward to her. It impacted me in a negative way. I said in a previous blog how i didnt know how to be a mom. I had no clue. I winged it the best I could.So many times I did the wrong things and said the wrong things or reacted wrong to certain things. LIke when one of my daughters came out as gay. I regret everyday how I reacted when she told me. It's something that I can never change. I was raised very religious and had raised them up the same way. My religion told me that she would go to hell for being gay. I was terrified for her so I told her no, that she couldn’t be that way. I forbid it, I yelled at her. And then my sweet, loving girl crumbled to the floor and wished that she could just die. That if I couldn't accept her for how she was and she couldnt be who she was- she would rather just end her life. It was at that moment that I had to make a decision. It was either God or it was my sweet child. I chose my child. I picked her up off the floor and told her that I didn't know what would happen but I loved her and that we would get through this. It wasn't easy, and I put her through some unnecessary things trying to help her. But I was wrong, because she was perfect just as she was. Perfectly wonderful in every way. And now I am anti-religion in every way. I'm not an atheist or a deist or a christian etc etc. I'm just me. I choose not to involve myself in anything in any way. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to be scared or nervous anymore. I just want to be free. And now I am. I can't tell you enough what a wonderful feeling that is.

      Finding myself has been a long and winding road. Letting that inner Bonnie come out is still a challenge. Finding people who love me as I am is still a challenge. Trying to mend my relationship with my girls is still a challenge. My other daughter is strong willed, fiercely independent and speaks her mind in ways I wish I could. Most of the time we do okay. But other times we do not. She is the mother of my three beautiful grandbabies. And she's a better mother than I could be. I'm glad for that. It means we are getting better in this family line. Hopefully, her daughter will be better at it than all of us. And so on and so on. I have faith in that. I can't fix things with my girls, I can't go back in time and rewrite history. There is a lot of pain and hurt and mistrust in our family. Those things don't go away. I just have to hold onto hope that It could and can get better. 

     I don't know if my daughters are reading this blog or even have plans to do so, but I want them to know that If i could go back, I would do things differently. I would have been a better mom. I would have tried harder, been smarter and braver. I would have hugged them more and sang more lullabies to them. I would have been rain. Peaceful, and relaxing. And strong when I needed to be. I love you both…..so much. This song and entry is for you.

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