A Hot Mess

My brain won't shut off today. It actually hasn't shut off for the past few weeks. It can be maddening. My last post was filled with anger. This one will be filled with worry. When my brain tells me things that I can't shake , it wears me down. And no matter how many times I ask myself if what I'm feeling is real, it doesn't seem to make it stop. I'm torn between two people. Two people whom I love deeply and for different reasons. Two people whom just clash because they are completely different in every way. One is my best friend, my soul mate really. We have this bond that people don't understand. From day one of meeting we felt this draw towards each other that we can't explain. He's been a joy, a huge mess at times, an angry word and conversation, a shoulder to cry on and the person whom always accepts me even at my worse. He can make me laugh like no one else and he can frustrate me like no one else. Sometimes in the same day. He is my best friend. And if he wasn't a gay man , you would think we were married. We actually make a joke out of it and he calls me his "not my wife." I can never imagine my life without him.

The second person is my boyfriend whom I also love deeply. People say that he is just a symptom of my BPD. That its not possible to fall in love with a person as fast as I did. But who knows the guidelines on this? Who sets the rules on the timeline of love? Yes, I have BPD, but I've been with this man for right at a year and I can't imagine spending my life without him either. He is kind, and caring. He makes me feel safe and comfortable. He also makes me laugh and I can tell him anything without fear of judgement. And he truly listens to me. Every word that I say. I wish I could say that I was just as intentive, but I drift off into Bonnie land quite often. I love the way this man holds me close and the way he smells and feels. And how he makes me feel just by being in his presence. I have written this about him before. He is an introvert to an extreme, meaning he doesn't wish to be around anyone and sometimes doesn't want to be bothered at all. He is how I used to be before I let myself out. He's been putting himself out of his comfort zone to make me happy. So we are now trying to figure out how we can make this work with us being so different from each other.

I live at least two hours away from my support system. And herein lies the problem. I need people. My BPD would tell me that all I need is him, but I miss my best friend and my children. I want to travel and see things and do things. I want to enjoy life and not just sit in front of the television. I have a bucket list and my boyfriend does not. He's content with just sitting at home watching movies, and playing games. And I still love him immensely. So is love enough? I know I can't just give up who I am, nor can I expect him to change who he is. That wouldn't be love. I want him to be happy just as much as he wants me to be happy. So we are having to try to do something different. Something that probably isn't considered normal. Through the week, I will live with him and then on the weekends, I will go and stay with my best friend. So that I can see my children, and go on trips with my best friend, and enjoy what life has to offer. And just hopefully figure out how to make this relationship work. And I desperately want this to work without one of us having to give up what makes us, us. And if we still can't make it work, then I guess I just have to move on. Because what else is there to do. I am saddened at the thought of losing him and I can't lose my best friend and my support system either. Love is a mess.

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