A Little Grace

I haven't written in awhile. I've been really depressed lately. I should be happy. Why am I not happy? It doesn't make sense for me not to be so. I'm tired all the time and I feel like crying. I just can't get out of this funk I am in. I was talking to my best friend the other week and he's been studying personality disorders and how they affect your life and also how to cope with them. He mentioned that I should make a "coping box". To answer the question you may have, a coping box is something you make and fill with things to get you out of the state you are in on your own. Everyone's box will be different then someone else's because you would fill it with things that make you happy and that will take your mind someplace else. And you should fill it with things that activate your five senses, hearing, feeling, tasting, smelling and seeing or sight.

I decided to make my own coping box and I've filled it with pictures of my children and grandchildren. I have peppermint candy, mint lip gloss, funny jokes, favorite children books because they make me happy, my kindle, notes to remember my BPD playlist on my phone, my quote book, my perfumed essential oils that smell like nature. (You can find these at www.hagroot.com.) And other things that just mean something to me. As I go into my little episodes where I can't cope, I will see what works and what doesn't work, adding and subtracting things as I go. I've had to use my coping box today and last week when it took me all day to talk myself out of killing myself.

Suicidal thoughts is something that I haven't had in awhile, and I know what is causing them now. I'm fighting with my inner me. I'm fighting with the me that fought so hard to be free. The part of me that wants to travel and have fun, the me that loves people and to entertain, the part of me that knows that my best friend is my soul mate no matter how much he drives me crazy. The me that needs to be able to see her children and her grandchildren and to be able to see her support system in her friends. I'm fighting that me with the me that loves this man I'm with and wants to feel safe and loved. But whom is so completely different than I am. He doesn't share my dreams and goals. He doesn't share my love for people and is quite content in staying at home, playing games and watching movies all the time. I wish I could say that if I had met him 20 plus years ago instead of my husband that I would have been okay with that lifestyle, but the truth is, I wouldn't have been. I would have fought hard to be free in the same way.

So now here I am again with not being brave enough to do what I need to do. To fight this me that wants acceptance and love so much but knows that it will ultimately kill my soul because maybe sometimes love just isn't enough. But I'm scared that if I let him go, I will never find love again. That I will never have what I crave, to have what other people have. I just want someone who will love me. But I want them to accept the real me, to share my love of traveling and being with people. And I hate myself for wanting all that. For thinking about giving what I have up, giving up on a good, good man. A man that I've searched for, but ultimately may not be right for me. And maybe I need to give myself a little grace for knowing that. Grace to let myself love myself to want more. And grace to get my mom out of my head and to not think I'm selfish for wanting more. To get my mom out of my head from telling me that I need to think about others more. And to not worry so much about what other's may think about what I need or want. I don't know what I will do at this moment, but I do know that I need to give myself that grace to do the right thing, no matter how hard it may be.

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