To Think or not to Think

Okay, so sometimes I think entirely too much. I know this about myself. It's one of the things I hate about myself. I know some or all of you are thinking that this chick is crazy. Well yes, yes I am. And this is good that you read all this craziness. I mean it's not good but it is. I'm hopefully accomplishing my goal. My emotions are like a roller coaster. Up, down, upside down and then right side up and steady. People with personality disorders deal with this on an everyday basis. I hope that with this craziness, I can look back and help myself by reading all of it. And of course help those who don't have mental illness to understand or at least get into our heads. But I also hope that I can give other sufferers of this illness a little bit of hope for themselves.

So let's dive into what a relationship looks like with a BPD person. There's a very good article written by Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault, PhD at www.verywellmind.com that I invite you to read. In the article she states that people with BPD have intense, unstable, and conflicted personal relationships. People with BPD tend to have very stormy romantic relationships characterized by a great deal of turmoil and dysfunction. And if you have read my past 3 or 4 blogs-this will make sense to you now. So with that you have instability, fear of abandonment, lying, impulsive sexuality, symptoms of indirect effect like self-harm, spending sprees and dissociation like daydreaming, getting lost in a book or movie to an extent that you don't know what is going on around you and zoning out.

Can people with BPD have stable relationships? That is the question I ask myself daily. To some doctors, they would say no. They say we are completely unstable and just wind up hurting those around us. Which very well could be true. Other doctors would say yes. That as long as we were getting various treatments and coping mechanisms, that we could maintain long and lasting relationships. I would like to believe that is true. I'm sure that it vary's between people and how well they can manage their symptoms. I try very hard to manage mine. But I know that I really need to get back into therapy in the area I live now. And I also really need to learn to let go of other people's ideals on how I live my life, including my mother's voice in my head. Sometime's it's other people's thoughts running through my head more then my own.

My point of this post is to realize that my relationship is not perfect. My man is not perfect. But does it or he need to be? No, he doesn't. He is still a good man and is dealing with my illness the best he can. Do I wish he would want to travel and do more things with me? Yes, very much yes. But I'm sure he wishes that I could be more content at sitting at home. Neither one of us is perfect and that is okay. It's probably more important that we don't lose ourselves in this trying to please the other. I can't change him no more than he can change me. This is what I know- my relationship is not perfect, my relationship is my own, I know that this relationship will require work, and I know that I love this man. For better or worse I love him and I want this to work. I just have to figure it all out. I just have to figure it all out.

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