Dreams

It's been a little while, I know. I have too many things that I want to do and not enough time or motivation to do them in. My life is pretty much the same as it has been. I'm still on my weight loss journey to help my knees. Mainly just the right knee now because the weight I have lost already has made the left knee problem free. My family doctor is proud of my progress. He told me today that I really impressed him with my determination. He just doesn't know me that well yet. I have always been the type that once I make my mind up about something, come hell or high water I'm going to do it. I'm an aries so that may be a good help with that. Stubborn old goat I am.

I still struggle with the symptoms of my BPD daily. The big one of course is love. I crave that more than anything in the world. I crave it so much that I let go of my dreams in order to get it. I am a free spirit/hippy/gypsy type of person. I love the simple things in life and I am quite okay with living in a tiny home, RV, camper, van etc. As long as I have my flowers and my pretty things that I love, I'm pretty good. What I want to do more than anything is travel and see the country. Right now I am limited with what I can do because of my knee. I'm having to work at a stay at home job calling doctor offices around the country. It's not a hard job or a bad job. It's quite easy and sometimes boring, but it does give me a little bit of money to pay my bills. It's just not a lot of money. I'm dying to get back into manufacturing so I can make the kind of money I have before, but until I get my knee fixed- this is where I am. And unfortunately, even if I did make more money right now, I still can't travel because I can't stand on my knee for long. And I want to see stuff and thangs like my Rick from The Walking Dead always said. So that is my big dream. I don't have to travel all the time, maybe just go on one trip a year to one of the places I wish to see. I can be the home body type of person around that. But, I don't want to travel alone. I want to be able to do it and share it with the person I love. I've heard the stories of meeting people while you travel , but somehow it's just not the same. I want to make memories with my loved one.

I'm with the man that I love. I love him more than I have ever loved a man before. I don't think he could ever realize just how much I love him. I love him so much that sometimes I'm quite willing to clip my own wings. I'm willing to give up dreams in order to keep him with me. And I know that is wrong. I know that is unhealthy, I know it's not something I am supposed to do. And it makes me sad when I feel this way because it means that I'm not getting better. It means that no matter how hard I try to be better, this one thing is always going to be the best of me, my craving and insatiable need to be loved. I don't think it can get better. That is and has always been my main goal in life. I can love myself all I want but It doesn't make that feeling go away. It's always lurking deep inside me. So, what do I do? What does anyone do who has borderline personality disorder and this is their main struggle in life? I wish I could tell you, but I don't have the answer for that. We are broken in that way, that I'm not sure we can ever heal. We can go through every coping mechanism our therapists give us, but that is still our main focus in life. To love and be loved. I dedicate this song below to us dreamers, gypsys, free-spirits and fellow borderlines who struggle everyday. I keep telling myself that it's alright. Even if I never get better, it's alright. Because right now, that is all I can do. I can't just roll over and give up. I just have to take everyday one at a time and keep dreaming.

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