Just Be

I am a very emotionally driven person I must say. I can't tell you if that is a BPD thing or just a Bonnie thing. Sometimes, it can lead into trouble for me. I call it a "mother hen" mentality, my therapist would say it's a symptom of my BPD. When someone I care about immensely is being bullied or harassed or treated badly in any way, I will go off on that person. I don't know how to turn that off and well frankly, I don't want to. If someone I love is hurting, I hurt right with them. I'm especially protective of the people I'm closest to. I can't understand why that is a bad thing.

Growing up, I was taught to never say anything back to someone. It didn't matter if I was being bullied or felt uncomfortable. I was taught to be accommodating. It's one of the things I am angry with my mom about. She didn't teach me how to stick up for myself or to say no. When we would go visit a friend of hers, who later became her last husband, I would have to sit in his lap. It didn't matter if I was uncomfortable with it because he would get a hard on. It would hurt his feelings if I said no, my mom said. It became a ritual for me to be hurt by various guys growing up and being used overall throughout my life. This has caused me years of unnecessary pain, years of being verbally abused by my husband. But after that fateful night of him raping me (which he still denies) something snapped inside me. I'm not sure if it was me becoming angry or finally letting myself feel that anger from all the years before. And I wasn't just angry with him and my mom. I was angry with everything. I still am angry about a lot of things. I am angry about church, about the people who call themselves christians but have no idea what it means to be one, I'm angry with the far right, I'm angry that men think they have a right to tell women what they can or can't do. I'm angry that there are people who talk about freedom but yet want to deny that same freedom to the gay community, or the black community or just anyone who thinks differently than them. I can't understand why people just don't let people live their lives the way they want. It doesn't affect their lives in any way. Just let people be who they are. And I'm angry with the people who try and force their religion on the entire country using terms like "this is what this country was founded on!" When all it takes is a little bit of research to find out that our founding fathers developed this country on freedom of religion and freedom from religion. It was the main reason they left Europe to establish here. So that they could practice or not practice whatever religion they wanted. So when you say that you want prayer back in schools, or gay marriage to go away, or to have biblical principles be mandated- you are actually going agaisnt what this country stands for. No one is telling you that you can't be however religious you want to be. Your religion belongs in your heart, your home and your church. Not be forced on everyone in this country. End of rant.

To get back to the point, my anger has spilled out into my everyday life all at once and that is what gets me into trouble. But I'm tired of being told how I should be, how I should feel, how I should act. Why can't I be who I am? The overly-protective, crazy, sometimes shy, sometimes not shy, angry, gypsy soul, animal loving, overly emotional, curious, singing badly in the car, horror loving, super romantic, 70's music lover, borderline progressive, sometimes freaky person I am. My life is my life, and I'm not a bad person because I think or do things differently. I choose to love people the way that I can. And if you a person who hurts another person, I will say something. Because after being told not to say no, and to just let people treat you any way they want, I'm not going to let another person have to deal with that. And yes, maybe it isn't my place, but when someone is broken in a way that they can't defend themselves, I want to step in there. Because I can't bear to see someone go through the pain I had to endure. It's okay to say no. It's okay to stand up for yourself. It's okay to say i don't want to sit in that man's lap because it makes me feel uncomfortable. And it's also okay to just be different. To dance to the beat of your own drum and not fit the social norm. Be who you are because there is nothing braver than being who you are. And love on people, don't mistreat them. There is beauty in that. And the world needs more beauty. So just be.