Nevertheless, She Persisted

When I first heard this saying I was living with my best friend at the time. He found this little button when he was out one day and brought it home to me. He said that he immediately thought of me when he saw it. I have since seen it everywhere. Its an expression adopted by the feminist movement after the United States Senate voted to require Senator Elizabeth Warren to stop speaking during the confirmation of Senator Jeff Sessions. Mitch McConnell made this remark during his comments following the vote. The comment has since went viral as feminists posted it on social media to refer to the broading womens persistence in breaking barriers despite being silenced or ignored. I consider myself to be a feminist to a certain extent. I don't think that all men are evil, and I have certain opinions about certain things that I won't discuss on this blog. I don't know all the details about that certain Senate vote mentioned above, but I love the statement. Nevertheless, she persisted. I sit and think about what that little saying means to me. And I encourage you to think about it as well and what it means to you. For me, I think about all the blows I was given in my life, how I responded to them, and where I am today. No matter what I have been through- I have persisted. Probably because I'm just stubborn and won't give up, but I have persisted.

Earlier this month I received a comment on my blog. My first comment and it got to me. I've had quite a few days to think about it and how I should react. In one of my first blog posts, I mentioned that I was no way any type of professional and that I would just write about everything I was feeling. Some of it wouldn't be very pretty.Because I didn't want to just make stuff up. I wanted to show people A) who don't know what BPD looks like and B) to show people who struggle with BPD that they are not alone in their thought processes. Those posts have to be real. They have to be raw. That is my whole point of this blog.

The comment reads like this-

"The next time I read a blog, Hopefully it doesnt fail me just as much as this particular one. After all, Yes, it was my choice to read, but I really believed youd have something useful to talk about. All I hear is a bunch of crying about something you can fix if you werent too busy looking for attention."

Now, I am an extremely emotional person and that comment really got to me. Mainly, because they said I was too busy looking for attention rather than being able to fix my situation. I never want to come across as I'm just looking for attention. Yes, part of BPD is that you are looking for attention, but that is not my ultimate goal with this blog. I truly want to be able to help in any way that I can. I have since found out that this particular comment was a bot or spam message. It still sits with me though. I worry all the time about how I come across. This blog isn't easy for me. People see the ugly inside me with this. All my fears, all my worries, my dreams, my thoughts, my emotions. I am laying everything down here. I am in a very vulnerable state, and I have to be honest and say that I have thought many times about ending it. I don't like for people to see the "crazy" in me or how sometimes I can be manipulative when I don't even realize it. I can stress myself so much about these types of things that I start picking. What I mean is that if I develop a sore or a pimple somewhere on my body, I will pick and pick at it till it leaves me with a scar. I hate it, but I somehow can't stop doing it. I have been doing it lately over my job situation I believe and it's something that I haven't done in a long time. In some of my stressful situations, I can just run and get as much distance as possible, until I can't and then I go into a rage situation. The rage can vary from person to person. For me, it affects my speech and thought quite a bit. I can't form sentences or express any thought processes. I get shaky and can't say words right. I will laugh and cry at the same time. I do this thing with my hands and I can't be still. And I shut down. I really shut down if someone is fussing at me or giving me any sort of confrontation. I just don't handle it well at all. And it doesn't matter how many drugs I am given or how much therapy I attend. This is just how I am. This is what the people in my life have done to me. And yes it is very ugly and it makes me want to quit doing this. But then I have to remember why I'm doing this. And I have to keep in my mind that maybe people won't like me after it, and that it has to be on them and not myself. I didn't choose to be this way. It's not something that I can just "get over" or change. Anyone with any sort of mental illness can tell you that. This is who I am in all my sloppy, glorious, crazy mess.I have to accept it. The people who want to love me have to accept it. And it's a daily struggle for me to try and not go into these manic or depressive episodes. Every thought that comes through my mind, I have to analyze it. My brain is constantly going and it's exhausting. I wish that I could just feel "normal" for one day so I can breathe. That is a pipedream though. To get back to my point above, I am not a professional. I can't help that way. This is the only way that I can. To share my thoughts and behaviors for people to learn from. And to hope that my blog can attract those certain professionals that I can share with you. So that they can help as well. This is why I have to persist. It's why I can't let my doubts get to me and I have to keep moving forward. Because this is what we are here for. To help other people in any way that we can. To be able to help them say "nevertheless, they persisted." And that's that.

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