In case no one told you today..

I've been thinking about this post for awhile. I know I said in my last post that it would probably be my last but the writer in me says otherwise. I struggle with my writing. There is a huge part of me that wants to write all the time but I'm so depressed much of the time that I can't bring myself in doing it. And there is my brain telling me that I'm not a good writer and that nothing will come from it. However, here I am still writing whenever I just can't get that part of me to stay silent any longer.

I got fired this week. The first time in my life ever getting fired. Of course I didn't take it well. My human resource manager called me Monday and told me that I had a couple of incidents that led to a bad part going out to a customer. Then he proceeded to tell me that he thought the job was getting to me too much to continue in working there. And then he told me what a wonderful person I was and that this wasn't due to my work ethic or my personality. And all I heard was blah blah blah because he was firing me due to my supervisor trying to get rid of me. I had become increasingly paranoid of her and what she was saying about me behind my back. I wasn't wrong with that, she was saying things behind my back about what I did all the time. She talked to everyone except me. I was even blamed for things I hadn't done. So with that, my anxiety grew and grew till I was writing down everything I did because I was just sure I was going to get fired. And then it happened, I got wrote up for missing something on a part. Mind you, a couple others got wrote up as well for the same thing. They didn't flip out though. I started crying uncontrollably, blood pressure going up, telling my other supervisor what my immediate supervisor was doing, showing him my notebook of everything I was writing down and just having a complete meltdown. The whole time my brain telling me that this was going to lead me in getting fired and I'm telling him this and also telling him that I had excellent job references and that I didn't want to sign that paper. Eventually I did with him promising me that this wouldn't get me fired. And then just a few days later, I get fired. I had become so focused in trying to get everything perfect that it was causing me to miss things. And when you are in quality control that is not something you can do. So, they did what they needed to do. It came at a bad time though. I had just bought a new car because my car broke down and was going to cost me more money than the car was worth in fixing it. And because of my bad knee situation, I had no other jobs lined up yet. And now I'm struggling to find one because of my knees. I have lost my insurance which causes problems with me getting my medication. And I need my meds.

I write this because this is what happens when people who have BPD have a breakdown. Our heart races, our mind races, it tells us things that may or may not be true, and its very loud in our head. We become crazy with emotion. And people who see that think we are legit crazy. And I guess we are. I probably should have used my coping mechanisms but in that moment all I could see or feel was panic. All I could see was red. And now all I see is that my supervisor who was talking about me was bad. And she will be bad from here on out. That's just how we work. You're either bad or good. There is no middle ground there. I know that eventually I'll be okay as far as the job situation goes. I have the uncanny ability to persevere through everything thrown my way. The tenacity in other words to continue pushing forward. I have to though. What choice do I have? Just keep going and going.

I'm closing this with this video below. You can say what you want about this lady, but one thing she has is tenacity herself. She makes me feel better in this shitty world. She is not perfect, she is overweight, she has her own issues that she deals with too. She is made fun of all the time but she still pushes through. She gives me hope. She makes me feel that no matter how crazy the world labels me that I'm still special in someone's eyes. That I still matter. And that is a beautiful thing. So in case no one has told you today...you're special. Keep pushing forward. Take one day at a time, one moment and just persevere. I love you all.

I've been procrastinating writing this blog. I've had a good bit going on. I have changed jobs since my last post. I took a major risk and quit the at home job to try and see if I could get back into manufacturing that I love. I found one job right away and loved it, but of course my knees were a huge problem and wouldn't let me finish out the day. So, I had to give that one up and set out putting out tons of resumes and job applications. And I would let them know I was looking for something where I could sit down occasionally for my knee situation. After about two weeks of no income, an offer came through for a smallish electroplating company about 45 minutes away. I went for an interview, did a tour of the place, told them about my knee situation, and they told me no worries. So here I am, very happy doing something that I love. I'm working in the quality department where I'm sitting for about 90 percent of my shift checking parts for defects. And I'm making more money than I ever had before. Four dollars more an hour than my at home job. So I'm pretty pleased that I took the risk and jumped. Plus, I am able to get out driving everyday and talking to people. Which is a huge thing for me. I felt the dark place creeping in on me sitting at home everyday staring out the window. And its a lovely view of my flowers, but I needed to get out. So I am very thankful for that.

To my next topic of discussion, I'm thinking about ending this blog. I feel like nobody is even reading it for me to try and help people understand how BPD works. And I think some people just don't care. And of course there are people out there who say to stay away from people who have BPD because we are crazy, and manipulating, and will just hurt you. Now mind you, they could be right about some people. But the ones of us who are truly trying to be better, to become somewhat normal, this is not true. We are what you would call highly functioning. We work very hard everyday to keep the thoughts from taking over. We work hard at controlling our responses to certain triggers. We are not bad people. We were just handed a tough blow in our life. And it caused damage to our mental state. And that is not an excuse for our behavior, but a reason. We strive to be what is considered to be normal. We strive to find love just like anyone else does. We strive to have some sort of guidance that our parents failed to give us. We are not bad. We just have to try harder to become "normal". I don't know if we can get better, to be cured in other words. Some people would say no. Maybe they are right. But maybe we can get to a place where the BPD doesn't take control of our lives. That is what I'm striving for. I am worthy of having people in my life who love me. I am worthy to have a man in my life who helps me grow and who doesn't get upset when I struggle but walks me through it. I AM WORTHY. And so are the others out there who are like me trying to survive.

Back to the blog. I haven't made up my mind fully about it. I do have another project of sorts that I need to delve more fully into and that is my next book. I have also been procrastinating on it. But I think I need to finish it. I think it's important that I do so because it touches on women. It touches on why we do the things we do and the freedom that we crave and are willing to give up for certain things. Its going to be hard to write because my biggest problem is that I have too many interests and not enough motivation. But if I make a promise to someone to at least try, then maybe I can not only finish it, but be proud of it and write something powerful that will make people think. At least that is my hope. So the best thing I can say is, if you are reading this; stay tuned. Who knows what I will do. And for those who are struggling with BPD everyday, I applaud your efforts. I believe in you. You can become whatever you wish to be, but it will require heart and dedication and really hard work. But YOU are worthy. Carry on and fly bird, fly.

When I first heard this saying I was living with my best friend at the time. He found this little button when he was out one day and brought it home to me. He said that he immediately thought of me when he saw it. I have since seen it everywhere. Its an expression adopted by the feminist movement after the United States Senate voted to require Senator Elizabeth Warren to stop speaking during the confirmation of Senator Jeff Sessions. Mitch McConnell made this remark during his comments following the vote. The comment has since went viral as feminists posted it on social media to refer to the broading womens persistence in breaking barriers despite being silenced or ignored. I consider myself to be a feminist to a certain extent. I don't think that all men are evil, and I have certain opinions about certain things that I won't discuss on this blog. I don't know all the details about that certain Senate vote mentioned above, but I love the statement. Nevertheless, she persisted. I sit and think about what that little saying means to me. And I encourage you to think about it as well and what it means to you. For me, I think about all the blows I was given in my life, how I responded to them, and where I am today. No matter what I have been through- I have persisted. Probably because I'm just stubborn and won't give up, but I have persisted.

Earlier this month I received a comment on my blog. My first comment and it got to me. I've had quite a few days to think about it and how I should react. In one of my first blog posts, I mentioned that I was no way any type of professional and that I would just write about everything I was feeling. Some of it wouldn't be very pretty.Because I didn't want to just make stuff up. I wanted to show people A) who don't know what BPD looks like and B) to show people who struggle with BPD that they are not alone in their thought processes. Those posts have to be real. They have to be raw. That is my whole point of this blog.

The comment reads like this-

"The next time I read a blog, Hopefully it doesnt fail me just as much as this particular one. After all, Yes, it was my choice to read, but I really believed youd have something useful to talk about. All I hear is a bunch of crying about something you can fix if you werent too busy looking for attention."

Now, I am an extremely emotional person and that comment really got to me. Mainly, because they said I was too busy looking for attention rather than being able to fix my situation. I never want to come across as I'm just looking for attention. Yes, part of BPD is that you are looking for attention, but that is not my ultimate goal with this blog. I truly want to be able to help in any way that I can. I have since found out that this particular comment was a bot or spam message. It still sits with me though. I worry all the time about how I come across. This blog isn't easy for me. People see the ugly inside me with this. All my fears, all my worries, my dreams, my thoughts, my emotions. I am laying everything down here. I am in a very vulnerable state, and I have to be honest and say that I have thought many times about ending it. I don't like for people to see the "crazy" in me or how sometimes I can be manipulative when I don't even realize it. I can stress myself so much about these types of things that I start picking. What I mean is that if I develop a sore or a pimple somewhere on my body, I will pick and pick at it till it leaves me with a scar. I hate it, but I somehow can't stop doing it. I have been doing it lately over my job situation I believe and it's something that I haven't done in a long time. In some of my stressful situations, I can just run and get as much distance as possible, until I can't and then I go into a rage situation. The rage can vary from person to person. For me, it affects my speech and thought quite a bit. I can't form sentences or express any thought processes. I get shaky and can't say words right. I will laugh and cry at the same time. I do this thing with my hands and I can't be still. And I shut down. I really shut down if someone is fussing at me or giving me any sort of confrontation. I just don't handle it well at all. And it doesn't matter how many drugs I am given or how much therapy I attend. This is just how I am. This is what the people in my life have done to me. And yes it is very ugly and it makes me want to quit doing this. But then I have to remember why I'm doing this. And I have to keep in my mind that maybe people won't like me after it, and that it has to be on them and not myself. I didn't choose to be this way. It's not something that I can just "get over" or change. Anyone with any sort of mental illness can tell you that. This is who I am in all my sloppy, glorious, crazy mess.I have to accept it. The people who want to love me have to accept it. And it's a daily struggle for me to try and not go into these manic or depressive episodes. Every thought that comes through my mind, I have to analyze it. My brain is constantly going and it's exhausting. I wish that I could just feel "normal" for one day so I can breathe. That is a pipedream though. To get back to my point above, I am not a professional. I can't help that way. This is the only way that I can. To share my thoughts and behaviors for people to learn from. And to hope that my blog can attract those certain professionals that I can share with you. So that they can help as well. This is why I have to persist. It's why I can't let my doubts get to me and I have to keep moving forward. Because this is what we are here for. To help other people in any way that we can. To be able to help them say "nevertheless, they persisted." And that's that.

I talk about love a lot. It's the main thing people with BPD tend to do. It's the main thing we are focused on. We search day in and day out for someone, anyone to love us. My best friend says I have the emotions for 10 women. All the romantic, lovey dovey emotions. My problem is that I'm not sure what kind of love is real. I see older couples sitting next to each other in booths and looking at each other with all this love radiating from them and I think that is what I want. I don't know however if they have been married for 40 years or if they found each other after the loss of previous relationships and this love is new. I know at the beginning of relationships, it's always more exciting and then it slows down to a friendship with benefits sort of thing. I love the love you see in movies and television. The kind of love you would climb mountains to reach. But is it real? I keep asking myself and others this. Over and over again. It's the way I am broken. In my previous post, I talked about all the anger I have inside for the way I have been treated my entire life. I also have waves of compassion, joy, lack of patience, a fight or flight mode, a yearning to travel and a compulsive need to not be alone. I am a complicated mess. Sometimes all I can do is take one minute at a time because life has a way of being unbearable. It has a way of keeping you in the dark place. The dark place is somewhere I don't like living in but sometimes it is easier than dealing with all the thoughts and said emotions above. Sometimes it is a welcoming state.

I often wonder if love like what you see in movies is real than what is wrong with me? Why hasn't anyone loved me like that? What is in me that turns people off? I think I am a good woman. I don't cheat or lie in relationships. I value honesty, and respect and encourage the person I am with in pursuing their dreams and goals in life. I love taking care of them, and keeping their clothes washed and their house clean. I try to make all their favorite foods and to make them laugh as much as possible. I ask in return for communication, honesty, safety, kindness and of course romance. I like to think that this romance is simple, a slow dance in the kitchen to the radio, cuddling in bed before we roll over and fall asleep, an occasional coming home with store bought flowers. Maybe that is naive. And if it is, how do I live my life craving that and it not being real? How do I get those expectations out of my head? How do I accept the reality that no one is going to love me like that? No one is ever going to ask me to marry them in that romantic gesture that women love. I wish someone could tell me that. I wish someone could tell me that there is nothing wrong with me, it's just not a realistic representation of love. And then I wish I could just fade or drift away like a soft breeze through the trees. Because maybe love is really just a lie. Maybe it really is just a big illusion.

I am a very emotionally driven person I must say. I can't tell you if that is a BPD thing or just a Bonnie thing. Sometimes, it can lead into trouble for me. I call it a "mother hen" mentality, my therapist would say it's a symptom of my BPD. When someone I care about immensely is being bullied or harassed or treated badly in any way, I will go off on that person. I don't know how to turn that off and well frankly, I don't want to. If someone I love is hurting, I hurt right with them. I'm especially protective of the people I'm closest to. I can't understand why that is a bad thing.

Growing up, I was taught to never say anything back to someone. It didn't matter if I was being bullied or felt uncomfortable. I was taught to be accommodating. It's one of the things I am angry with my mom about. She didn't teach me how to stick up for myself or to say no. When we would go visit a friend of hers, who later became her last husband, I would have to sit in his lap. It didn't matter if I was uncomfortable with it because he would get a hard on. It would hurt his feelings if I said no, my mom said. It became a ritual for me to be hurt by various guys growing up and being used overall throughout my life. This has caused me years of unnecessary pain, years of being verbally abused by my husband. But after that fateful night of him raping me (which he still denies) something snapped inside me. I'm not sure if it was me becoming angry or finally letting myself feel that anger from all the years before. And I wasn't just angry with him and my mom. I was angry with everything. I still am angry about a lot of things. I am angry about church, about the people who call themselves christians but have no idea what it means to be one, I'm angry with the far right, I'm angry that men think they have a right to tell women what they can or can't do. I'm angry that there are people who talk about freedom but yet want to deny that same freedom to the gay community, or the black community or just anyone who thinks differently than them. I can't understand why people just don't let people live their lives the way they want. It doesn't affect their lives in any way. Just let people be who they are. And I'm angry with the people who try and force their religion on the entire country using terms like "this is what this country was founded on!" When all it takes is a little bit of research to find out that our founding fathers developed this country on freedom of religion and freedom from religion. It was the main reason they left Europe to establish here. So that they could practice or not practice whatever religion they wanted. So when you say that you want prayer back in schools, or gay marriage to go away, or to have biblical principles be mandated- you are actually going agaisnt what this country stands for. No one is telling you that you can't be however religious you want to be. Your religion belongs in your heart, your home and your church. Not be forced on everyone in this country. End of rant.

To get back to the point, my anger has spilled out into my everyday life all at once and that is what gets me into trouble. But I'm tired of being told how I should be, how I should feel, how I should act. Why can't I be who I am? The overly-protective, crazy, sometimes shy, sometimes not shy, angry, gypsy soul, animal loving, overly emotional, curious, singing badly in the car, horror loving, super romantic, 70's music lover, borderline progressive, sometimes freaky person I am. My life is my life, and I'm not a bad person because I think or do things differently. I choose to love people the way that I can. And if you a person who hurts another person, I will say something. Because after being told not to say no, and to just let people treat you any way they want, I'm not going to let another person have to deal with that. And yes, maybe it isn't my place, but when someone is broken in a way that they can't defend themselves, I want to step in there. Because I can't bear to see someone go through the pain I had to endure. It's okay to say no. It's okay to stand up for yourself. It's okay to say i don't want to sit in that man's lap because it makes me feel uncomfortable. And it's also okay to just be different. To dance to the beat of your own drum and not fit the social norm. Be who you are because there is nothing braver than being who you are. And love on people, don't mistreat them. There is beauty in that. And the world needs more beauty. So just be.

It's been a little while, I know. I have too many things that I want to do and not enough time or motivation to do them in. My life is pretty much the same as it has been. I'm still on my weight loss journey to help my knees. Mainly just the right knee now because the weight I have lost already has made the left knee problem free. My family doctor is proud of my progress. He told me today that I really impressed him with my determination. He just doesn't know me that well yet. I have always been the type that once I make my mind up about something, come hell or high water I'm going to do it. I'm an aries so that may be a good help with that. Stubborn old goat I am.

I still struggle with the symptoms of my BPD daily. The big one of course is love. I crave that more than anything in the world. I crave it so much that I let go of my dreams in order to get it. I am a free spirit/hippy/gypsy type of person. I love the simple things in life and I am quite okay with living in a tiny home, RV, camper, van etc. As long as I have my flowers and my pretty things that I love, I'm pretty good. What I want to do more than anything is travel and see the country. Right now I am limited with what I can do because of my knee. I'm having to work at a stay at home job calling doctor offices around the country. It's not a hard job or a bad job. It's quite easy and sometimes boring, but it does give me a little bit of money to pay my bills. It's just not a lot of money. I'm dying to get back into manufacturing so I can make the kind of money I have before, but until I get my knee fixed- this is where I am. And unfortunately, even if I did make more money right now, I still can't travel because I can't stand on my knee for long. And I want to see stuff and thangs like my Rick from The Walking Dead always said. So that is my big dream. I don't have to travel all the time, maybe just go on one trip a year to one of the places I wish to see. I can be the home body type of person around that. But, I don't want to travel alone. I want to be able to do it and share it with the person I love. I've heard the stories of meeting people while you travel , but somehow it's just not the same. I want to make memories with my loved one.

I'm with the man that I love. I love him more than I have ever loved a man before. I don't think he could ever realize just how much I love him. I love him so much that sometimes I'm quite willing to clip my own wings. I'm willing to give up dreams in order to keep him with me. And I know that is wrong. I know that is unhealthy, I know it's not something I am supposed to do. And it makes me sad when I feel this way because it means that I'm not getting better. It means that no matter how hard I try to be better, this one thing is always going to be the best of me, my craving and insatiable need to be loved. I don't think it can get better. That is and has always been my main goal in life. I can love myself all I want but It doesn't make that feeling go away. It's always lurking deep inside me. So, what do I do? What does anyone do who has borderline personality disorder and this is their main struggle in life? I wish I could tell you, but I don't have the answer for that. We are broken in that way, that I'm not sure we can ever heal. We can go through every coping mechanism our therapists give us, but that is still our main focus in life. To love and be loved. I dedicate this song below to us dreamers, gypsys, free-spirits and fellow borderlines who struggle everyday. I keep telling myself that it's alright. Even if I never get better, it's alright. Because right now, that is all I can do. I can't just roll over and give up. I just have to take everyday one at a time and keep dreaming.

I feel pretty today. That's not something I feel on a regular basis, but today I feel pretty. I am down 2 more pounds which has allowed me to fit into my favorite pair of bell-buttomish jeans.They are a light blue in color and make me feel like me. The Stevie Nicks is my spirit animal me. I've always said that if I was born sooner and was a teenager in the 70's, I would have been a hippie. Well...probably more like a gypsy since I have a love for travel. Ever since I was a baby I loved to travel. My mom said that when I was a baby they did a lot of traveling in that old hippy van and they put my crib right behind the seats so that I could look out on the road. I may have written about that before. Anyway, that is who I am, a Stevie Nicks kind of woman with a mixture of Laura Ingalls Wilder and my beloved Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables.

Once I slid those jeans on with my tie-dyed shirt and my yellow converse sneakers I felt pretty like I said above. I got into my car that was once my mothers and drove to pick up my monthly high-blood pressure medication. Yet another reason to get the weight off. I plugged my phone into the car stereo and blasted my BPD playlist that I made. I love to drive with my favorite tunes blaring through my car speakers. It makes me feel alive. As I drove I looked back onto my life like I do on occasion. I thought about all the things I went through and who I am as a result of it. I thought about how I sometimes can drive people crazy with my facebook posts and with my opinions on various subjects. I thought about the mistakes that I've made and of good memories that I have as well throughout the years. I thought about every little thing and every big thing that makes me who I am. And sometimes those things aren't very pretty, but they are a part of me. I have developed a sense of acceptance and clarity and a strength that I always knew was there but didn't fully embrace. There is no going backwards from that. I always say that you just have to keep pushing forward. No matter how hard it is or how much has happened, you just have to keep pushing forward. Sort of like "The Little Engine that Could" that you may have read as a child. One of my favorite quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt is this - "A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water." Eleanor Roosevelt had a lot more great quotes that I have put in my quote book. I sometimes will get it out and read them over and over again. I even put that book into my BPD coping box to help me when I get in those moments where I can't breathe. I am a strong woman. And I won't let anyone tell me ever again that I'm not. I won't let anyone ever again tell me that I'm not worth it, or that I'm never going to accomplish anything in life. Because for once I feel pretty. On the inside and out. I am me and I am loved. I am strong and fiercely opinionated. I have a heart that truly loves people and just wants to help everyone. I am crazy and silly and I love with everything that I have, fiercely and forever. I am who I am. My best friend gave me this song below a few years ago and said it was my theme song. I believe that and I share it with you. Maybe it can be your theme song as well. Music has always been a soundtrack or backdrop in my life. I can't imagine life without it and I like to share it as much as possible. I believe that it has healing powers like nothing else.

Find your prettiness inside you and outside of you. Find what makes you-you. Embrace it and love that person. Never look back and keep pushing forward. Life is hard and ugly sometimes but it's still worth it. Find what makes your soul sing and play it over and over again until you believe it. Love fiercely and forever. And remember that -as Eleanor also said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Hang onto that and just be you.

I'm feeling good today. I won't say that is rare for me, because most days I am pretty happy. I know my last few posts have not been happy, but today I am feeling good. Friday I got to go to North Carolina to see one of my favorite writers (James Patterson) speak and get an autographed copy of his latest book. I took my love with me and we had a pretty great day. We hit up a couple of thrift stores and had lunch before making the two hour drive back home. I enjoy days like this with him. I know he is pretty much a home body but it's nice to get him out and drive around just listening to music and laughing of course. Laughter is a daily thing with him. And on the rare occasions I can get him to laugh is one of the most beautiful things. His whole face lights up and I love to see it. It always makes my day. The whole weekend turned out pretty nice as a matter of fact and now its doing a little light raining ,which is always my favorite type of day.

I'm also pretty happy about being able to finally lose some weight. Its been a month and one week since my doctor started me on a diet somewhat like the Atkins diet. I basically just eat protein and veggies and fruit. No carbs of any kind which means no bread, no pasta, no potatoes except the occasional sweet potato. And of course no sugar or soft drinks, not that I was that big of a soft drink drinker anyway. He also prescribed me some medication that gives me energy and helps curve the appetite. And a weekly injection that is primary used for diabetes but has been found to have great results in helping people lose weight. It all has paid off quite well since i've already lost 21 pounds. And that's a great thing because that's one step closer into getting my knees fixed. I have been unable to stand for more than an hour or so tops at one time due to my knees being just about out of cartilage. So basically that means the bones in that joint are rubbing together which causes a good bit of pain. I was able to find a job working from home doing customer service type of calls since I can't be on my feet. Once I hit my goal weight my Ortho doctor gave me, he has agreed to do surgery to fix my knees and then I can get my life back. I'm pretty excited about that because I can start checking off some things on my bucket list. And also just being able to walk across the grocery store pain free would be so completely nice. You never realize the little things that you take advantage of until you can't do them anymore.

I encourage everyone to make a bucket list or just make goals for themselves. It gives you something to strive for. And it can be for anything, like going somewhere you've always wanted to go to or taking dance lessons, getting a tattoo, going back to school or riding a rollercoaster. Just write them all down and check them off one at a time.I have been lucky enough to check off a few of my own things to do before I die and you wouldn't believe how wonderful that feels. Take a lesson from the song below, it's alright ,have a good time because it's alright. No matter what is going on in your life, find those happy moments in it. Get up and dance, make a playlist with your favorite happy songs. Take one minute at a time, one smile at a time, one laugh at a time because it's going to be alright. Give yourself a chance, give yourself some love and tell yourself that it's alright.

Okay, so sometimes I think entirely too much. I know this about myself. It's one of the things I hate about myself. I know some or all of you are thinking that this chick is crazy. Well yes, yes I am. And this is good that you read all this craziness. I mean it's not good but it is. I'm hopefully accomplishing my goal. My emotions are like a roller coaster. Up, down, upside down and then right side up and steady. People with personality disorders deal with this on an everyday basis. I hope that with this craziness, I can look back and help myself by reading all of it. And of course help those who don't have mental illness to understand or at least get into our heads. But I also hope that I can give other sufferers of this illness a little bit of hope for themselves.

So let's dive into what a relationship looks like with a BPD person. There's a very good article written by Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault, PhD at www.verywellmind.com that I invite you to read. In the article she states that people with BPD have intense, unstable, and conflicted personal relationships. People with BPD tend to have very stormy romantic relationships characterized by a great deal of turmoil and dysfunction. And if you have read my past 3 or 4 blogs-this will make sense to you now. So with that you have instability, fear of abandonment, lying, impulsive sexuality, symptoms of indirect effect like self-harm, spending sprees and dissociation like daydreaming, getting lost in a book or movie to an extent that you don't know what is going on around you and zoning out.

Can people with BPD have stable relationships? That is the question I ask myself daily. To some doctors, they would say no. They say we are completely unstable and just wind up hurting those around us. Which very well could be true. Other doctors would say yes. That as long as we were getting various treatments and coping mechanisms, that we could maintain long and lasting relationships. I would like to believe that is true. I'm sure that it vary's between people and how well they can manage their symptoms. I try very hard to manage mine. But I know that I really need to get back into therapy in the area I live now. And I also really need to learn to let go of other people's ideals on how I live my life, including my mother's voice in my head. Sometime's it's other people's thoughts running through my head more then my own.

My point of this post is to realize that my relationship is not perfect. My man is not perfect. But does it or he need to be? No, he doesn't. He is still a good man and is dealing with my illness the best he can. Do I wish he would want to travel and do more things with me? Yes, very much yes. But I'm sure he wishes that I could be more content at sitting at home. Neither one of us is perfect and that is okay. It's probably more important that we don't lose ourselves in this trying to please the other. I can't change him no more than he can change me. This is what I know- my relationship is not perfect, my relationship is my own, I know that this relationship will require work, and I know that I love this man. For better or worse I love him and I want this to work. I just have to figure it all out. I just have to figure it all out.

I haven't written in awhile. I've been really depressed lately. I should be happy. Why am I not happy? It doesn't make sense for me not to be so. I'm tired all the time and I feel like crying. I just can't get out of this funk I am in. I was talking to my best friend the other week and he's been studying personality disorders and how they affect your life and also how to cope with them. He mentioned that I should make a "coping box". To answer the question you may have, a coping box is something you make and fill with things to get you out of the state you are in on your own. Everyone's box will be different then someone else's because you would fill it with things that make you happy and that will take your mind someplace else. And you should fill it with things that activate your five senses, hearing, feeling, tasting, smelling and seeing or sight.

I decided to make my own coping box and I've filled it with pictures of my children and grandchildren. I have peppermint candy, mint lip gloss, funny jokes, favorite children books because they make me happy, my kindle, notes to remember my BPD playlist on my phone, my quote book, my perfumed essential oils that smell like nature. (You can find these at www.hagroot.com.) And other things that just mean something to me. As I go into my little episodes where I can't cope, I will see what works and what doesn't work, adding and subtracting things as I go. I've had to use my coping box today and last week when it took me all day to talk myself out of killing myself.

Suicidal thoughts is something that I haven't had in awhile, and I know what is causing them now. I'm fighting with my inner me. I'm fighting with the me that fought so hard to be free. The part of me that wants to travel and have fun, the me that loves people and to entertain, the part of me that knows that my best friend is my soul mate no matter how much he drives me crazy. The me that needs to be able to see her children and her grandchildren and to be able to see her support system in her friends. I'm fighting that me with the me that loves this man I'm with and wants to feel safe and loved. But whom is so completely different than I am. He doesn't share my dreams and goals. He doesn't share my love for people and is quite content in staying at home, playing games and watching movies all the time. I wish I could say that if I had met him 20 plus years ago instead of my husband that I would have been okay with that lifestyle, but the truth is, I wouldn't have been. I would have fought hard to be free in the same way.

So now here I am again with not being brave enough to do what I need to do. To fight this me that wants acceptance and love so much but knows that it will ultimately kill my soul because maybe sometimes love just isn't enough. But I'm scared that if I let him go, I will never find love again. That I will never have what I crave, to have what other people have. I just want someone who will love me. But I want them to accept the real me, to share my love of traveling and being with people. And I hate myself for wanting all that. For thinking about giving what I have up, giving up on a good, good man. A man that I've searched for, but ultimately may not be right for me. And maybe I need to give myself a little grace for knowing that. Grace to let myself love myself to want more. And grace to get my mom out of my head and to not think I'm selfish for wanting more. To get my mom out of my head from telling me that I need to think about others more. And to not worry so much about what other's may think about what I need or want. I don't know what I will do at this moment, but I do know that I need to give myself that grace to do the right thing, no matter how hard it may be.